Saturday, May 5th, 2012 9:00am
At work, Luke is here too, it’s weird, and I’m trying to not be selfish.
The other day I made a trip up to stockton, and it was wonderful. I absoluetely loved it. :) highlight of my month… possibly the year up to this point.
:)
Friday, April 20th, 2012 5:17pm
Stomach is jacked. Trying not to show disappointment. I have a doctors appointment on tuesday, I’ve spent so much money on Doctor appointments this year, it’s rediculous. I miss the days of never going to the doc. maybe someday that’ll be how it is again.
Last nights softball game was fun, we lost terribly, but we all had a couple drinks before hand (probably not our best move….) and my aunt and cousin showed up to watch! That was the best part!! I think we should get 7 points just for being entertaining! we got in trouble by the ump for having alcohol in the dug out, but we brushed it off, and moved on with life. :) it was a good night.
then there’s tonight. I am off to my mom and sister in laws birthday party, and hopefully that will get my mind off of things. crossing my fingers.
Wednesday, April 18th, 2012 5:04pm
All this stress is doing a number on my body. When I went in to take a urinealisis the results came back with blood in my urine. My heart has been beating all out of rythem, yesterday when it was fluttering it made me start coughing, and it was hard to breath. my stomach is jacked, I haven’t had a solid poop in days. I am Exhausted, and my feet are dragging. It has been rediculous. I think I will find a letter box tonight.
Tuesday, April 17th 2012 3:06pm
Well it happened. On sunday my boyfriend and I got into a fight about what I said 2 posts ago. I knew if I told him he’d flip, and he did. It has been a very hard week. I have a hard time feeling affection from him still, because of the fight. I am going to go back to counseling. the cheap version anyway. I have no other choice. I thought that we were at a place that we were determined to just work through everything and stay together. To my surprise he was very willing to walk out of my life. I’ve been crying before the Lord all day for the past couple. Taking some time at a distance.
A Man Named Jesus. He loves me with all of my heart, and he spoils me silly. :)
Sunday, April 15th, 2012 3:47pm.
another day has come and gone. It’s been a rediculous weekend, at work, and my personal life. and both mixed together as well I suppose, since Luke is now working at abrams again. I don’t like him working here. every fiber in my being stiffens at the thought of it, and my heart starts racing with anticipation. not the good kind. every time he’s here, or I even think about him being here, my mind gets flooded with those memories of lies, hurt, anger, and all the fights we had. This is the one thing I have not forgiven him for, and he cannot understand why I am still bitter about it. He does not understand that those lies have tainted every single thing that comes out of his mouth. His words are no longer my Lalliby. That was the only time I hurt myself, because indeed, phyiscal pain took my mind off of the emotional pain for just a little while, at to me, that was worth it. He doesn’t understand, that I probably will not trust him whole heartedly ever again, besides a miracle. and he wonders why I have not forgiven him. he wonders why my body trembles with anxiety when he is here, back in that place, with the same people, who are doing the same things… I beg god daily to make him a honest, trustworthy man, and that I would trust him.
on (kind of) the same topic, I wish so much that he would stand up for what he believes, instead of just “blending in” everywhere he goes… it almost makes me wonder if he’s just “blending in” when he’s with me, and what he “believes” is in fact what he believes.
He says often that I keep making him change more and more. I guess I just never thought that some of these things would be an issue. I thought it was common sense to not lie to your girlfriend, or when you say that it is important to you that you would do it, or NOT do it. Not holding to every time, I realize that we are human, and that we all sin daily, (probably hourly), and we will ALWAYS let each other down. I realize that he could probably write a letter like this about me, just as I am writing it about him, I just.. I don’t even know what I just. I just, that’s it.
On the other hand, he has sacraficed so much for me, and I really, truely am thankful for him.
I was planning on going to the beach today, to just close my eyers and breath in that salty air, but I didn’t, so I’m hoping big for next week. I’m also trying to make a trip up to stockton. :) Oh how glorious that would be!
March 7th, 2012 11:36 am
It’s been a while since I’ve written, But I suppose that is a good thing. I generally only write when I need to vent, or when I’m stressed, so the fact that I haven’t written could be taken as a good thing. today is the exception. I am not stressed, and I do not have to vent, I am compltetly satisfied.
I have been reading a book called “beautiful in Gods eyes” which is about the Proverbs 31 woman. I read it about every 4 years, and every time it become more and more valuable. The first time I read it I was in jr. high, it was a good book then, but being a home maker was not in my view of things just yet. I read it in high school, and I understood that this amazing woman was not supposed to be someone who was already married and had a home to make, but someone who was single and (in those days) still living at home, which made it a little bit more valuable to me. however being single and still living at home, I didn’t draw from the book all that could be drawn. And now, 4 years after that, I am living on my own, and in a relationship that, Lord willing, will become a marraige at some point. Reading this book now has been one convicting, and practical chapter after another. My world has been shaken and turned up side down. I’m not going to say that it is a book that every girl should read (although I am tempted too) but If given the chance, I will give you the opportunity to read it.
It amazes me at how much guys, even those who claim to hate God, want a godly girl. I am only half way through the book, but let me explain. Besides the being in Gods word, and continual prayer,(which a non believer may not want) these are some of the qualities of a Godly woman. Please tell me if you know a guy who would say “I do not want this in a girl”
She is a good cook, and she knows how to clean a house. She is emotionally stable, (she has endurance, she has a grip on her temper, and she only speaks after she has thought things through!) Her man can trust her to ONLY spend money wisely, and that she can run the house without disaster as he is at work. He can trust that she will not say anything to anyone who would ruin, or even damage his reputation, and that when hard times hit that she will handle it calmly and wisely. Her conduct is Praiseworthy (Her man doesn’t need to worry about what she is doing when he is not around) she is faithful to her (someday) Vows, she keeps her word, she follows through on things he asks, when she’s doing something she doesn’t already know his thoughts on she asks because she wants HIM to be happy. She spends her Money and time wisely, Saving as much as she can, she works hard & willingly, she has a way of making even the dullest place a bright and happy home, She isn’t lazy, so she gets up early in the morning to make sure breakfast is ready, and the clothes are clean, She is creative in that she can figure out How to make her dreams come true (“I wish I had cuter Curtians/dish towels/house.” or “I wish I had a Lamp/basket/ect.” She has creative ways of making those things happen cheaply and well done.) She can do things that Bring in a little bit of revenue, she is Merciful, And she is prepared. (she plans ahead)
and this is only the half of it. I don’t know any man who would say “no thank you” to that! but never would they say ” she is a biblical Woman”. Amazing.
Now for those of us who are christians, How often we ask ourselves “What is Gods will for my life?” This, Being a proverbs 31 Woman (even if you do remain single for you entire life) This is Gods will for your life. It may not be all of it, but instead of using “I don’t know what his will is so I’m just waiting for an answer” as an excuse to not move forward and closer to being Christ like, START with proverbs 31.
My guilty pleasure. Yahoo answers. I have made up many lives in oder to answer questions. if anyone actually follows me they would be confused. :)
I suppose I will just never have a sonderful valentines day. I feel like he thinks this is all just a game. I’m so sick of being this yo-yo in his hand. wrapped around his finger, but never knowing if i’m going to be close to him, or far. I don’t know what happened. When we are good we are great. but then when he starts playing his little games, I litterally go 51-50 on him. We are on a break. Call me oldfashioned, but I think that If you are talking about getting married, and you are saving up for a ring. (his idea, by the way, this is not me pressuring him to get married) that you should be pretty much living your vows as is. that wholeloving you like christ loves the church, and being sacraficial and all that stuff doesn’t just change on the wedding day. there are some benefits of not being married, i don’t HAVE to do his laundry, and he doesn’t have to support me finincially. but the general vows should be lived out before the i do. What happened? we used to have that kind of relationship? we used to bend over backwards to make the other one happy. we were much poorer then, and we had to sneak out of the house to see each other, but we were happy. I can’t stand the thought of just saying good bye to that, I know it’s there, and I know that EVERY relationship goes through crap, but how do we get to a place that is not miserable? What makes a relationship work?
